- P: Well, the construction manager--
- S: *sneeze*
- P: --charges a fee--
- S: *sneeze, hack*
- P: --so if you just--
- S: *cough, die*
- P: Would you please shut up so that I can talk to you?
- S: *wimper*
- E (on the phone): Alright, dad, but if I go to jail for this, you're bailing me out.
A note to dudes:
When it is dark, and you are walking down the street, and there is a girl walking alone a few feet behind you, and you’ve been periodically glancing back at her for a full three blocks, and you both stop at the same lighted crossing, DO NOT say “hey, I don’t have a problem with you.” There is nothing reassuring about that statement. It is exactly what someone who DID have a problem but didn’t want you to know it would say.
ESPECIALLY don’t then go on to follow her for a block, muttering just loud enough for her to hear about how much you hate it when girls are all suspicious and jumpy. Nothing makes a girl jumpier than a creepy dude muttering angrily just a few paces behind her.
Just something to keep in mind.
- Me: Did my parents come by today?
- Roommate: I don't know. I just got home. Why?
- Me: A bedside table appeared in my room.
- Roommate: ...maybe it was the world's worst thieves?
Freud said he didn’t know what women wanted. I know what women want: a whole lot of people to talk to. What do they want to talk about? They want to talk about everything.
What do men want? They want a lot of pals, and they wish people wouldn’t get so mad at them.
Why are so many people getting divorced today? It’s because most of us don’t have extended families anymore. It used to be that when a man and a woman got married, the bride got a lot more people to talk to about everything. The groom got a lot more pals to tell dumb jokes to.
Most of us, if we get married nowadays, are just one more person for the other person. The groom gets one more pal, but it’s a woman. The woman gets one more person to talk to about everything, but it’s a man.
When a couple has an argument nowadays, they may think it’s about money or power or sex or how to raise the kids or whatever. What they’re really saying to each other, though without realizing it, is this: “You are not enough people!”
A husband, a wife and some kids is not a family. It’s a terribly vulnerable survival unit.
I met a man in Nigeria one time, an Ibo who had six hundred relatives he knew quite well. His wife had just had a baby, and they were taking it to meet all its relatives. Everybody was going to hold it, cuddle it, say how pretty or how handsome it was. Wouldn’t you have loved to be that baby?
I sure wish I could wave a wand, and give every one of you an extended family.” —God Bless You, Dr. Kevorkian by Kurt Vonnegut
- Man 1: But I'm not Gay!
- Man 2: Yeah, but if you WERE. Thor or Loki?
- Man 1: but I'm not!
- Man 2: IRRELEVANT! THOR OR LOKI!
- Man 1: honestly?
- Man 2: THOR OR LOKI!
- Man 1: probably Iron Man.
- Man 2: SERIOUSLY? TONY STARK?
- Man 1: yeah. I'd love to be Robet Downey Jr's bitch. God, that man....
- Man 2: ooh I know what you mean. how would he proceed?
- Man 1: well we'd be having dinner and he'd have his hand on my leg and he'd whisper in my ear and tell me exactly what he was going to do to me.
- Man 2: oh yeah..
- Man 1: and then his hand'd go further to the top of my leg and start grasping my-
- Random Woman: EXCUSE ME THERE ARE CHILDREN ON THIS TRAIN.
- *awkward silence*
- Man 2: ...and you said you werent gay!
- Me: My boyfriend is always trying to get my help identifying fish. Like, "Do you think that's an oscar?" and I'm like "...what makes you think I can answer that question?"
- T: You should have said "Bernie."
- Me: ...?
- T: I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from. It's a sesame street joke.
- Me: Oh. I thought it was a fish. Oops.
- T: Oscar and Bernie were the ambiguosly gay puppets. Or, at least, they had an epic bromance.
- Me: ...pretty sure that was Bert and Ernie. Oscar is the one that lives in a trash can.
- T: ffffuuuuuuuuu
- Me: pwned
- T: Fail. So hard.
- Me: So much fail.
- T: I really don't know if being a seasame street fail makes it better or worse
- Me: Yeah, that's...I don't even know what to do with that.
- T: Let's move on and pretend it never happened.
- Me: And on the anniversary of Jim Hensen's death, too. Tsk, tsk.
- T: Wait, serious? I'm so ashamed...
- Me: Yup. 22 years ago. Actually, I think it was yesterday, but close enough.
- T: I bring dishonor upon my family.
- Me: Sepukku.
- T: it is the only way. Preferably with a countdown from the Count.
- Me: Hey, I've just met you...
- Boyfriend: You did not just meet me.
- Me: ...and this is CRAZY...
- Boyfriend: Seriously, we've been dating for two years.
- Me: ...but HERE'S MY NUMBER....
- Boyfriend: I have your number.
- Me: ...so call me, maybe?
- Boyfriend: ...fine.
Men who want to flirt with women have to realize: Women live in a state of continual vigilance about sexual safety. It’s like having a mild case of hay fever that never goes away. It’s not debilitating. You’re not weak. You’re not afraid. You just suck it up and get on with your life. It’s nothing that’s going to stop you from making discoveries, or climbing mountains, or falling in love. Sometimes you can almost forget about it. It doesn’t mean it’s not there, subtly sucking your energy. You learn to avoid situations that make it worse and seek out conditions that make it better.
If a female stranger is wary around you, it is not because she suspects you are a rapist, or that all men are rapists. It’s because a general level of circumspection is what vigilance requires. Don’t take it personally.
If this frustrates you, try to remember that women are blamed for lapsed vigilance. If a woman does get raped, everyone rushes to see where she let her guard down. Was she drinking? Was she alone? Was she wearing a short skirt? Did she go to a strange man’s room for coffee at 4am?
A woman must be seen to be vigilant as well as be vigilant. If she is deemed insufficiently vigilant, she will be at least partly blamed for any sexual violence that befalls her. If she’s regarded as downright reckless, that “evidence” can be used to completely exonerate her rapist. If it comes down to a he said/she said dispute over whether sex was consensual, as so many rape cases do, the dispute becomes a referendum on whether the woman seems like the sort of reckless person who would have sex with a stranger.
If a woman does go back to a strange man’s hotel room at 4am, even if she only wants a coffee and conversation, she’s more or less given him the power to rape her. No jury is going to believe she went up there for anything but sex. So, don’t be surprised if a stranger reacts badly to that suggestion.” —
I wish I didn’t need to reblog stuff like this. I wish people *got it*. But judging from the ridiculous response to these posts, stuff like this clearly still needs to be repeated.
The added kicker is that women are also punished if they’re seen to be TOO vigilant - called “paranoid”, “crazy”, etc. It’s a fairly constant negotiation. When a strange dude sits too close to me and it makes me uncomfortable - do I stay there and risk being blamed for not moving away on the chance that he should try to pull some shit? Or do I move away and risk being seen as a bitch who’s being rude … and thereby also risk blame on the chance that he should start some shit? When I get propositioned on the street - do I yell at the guy and tell him to fuck off, and risk a potentially violent reaction (which I would then be blamed for because I was bitchy in trying to get him to leave me alone), or do I say nothing and risk him taking my silence as acquiescence? If a guy invites me to his hotel room at four in the morning - of course if he assaults me while I’m there people will say “well what were you even there for anyway”, but if I turn him down then you better believe there are seriously people who will say, “oh my god, what are you afraid of, that he’ll RAPE you? Are you afraid of men or something? Stop being so paranoid.”
It’s not just that we live in a state of continual vigilance about sexual safety - it’s also that said vigilance requires a constant negotiation on our parts between actions that will be seen as inviting aggression for being too bitchy, and actions that will be seen as inviting aggression for being too passive.
It’s really fucking crazy-making, which I guess is the point. It’s nigh impossible to find a middle ground, especially if you happen to be: trans, poor, not white, seen as “damaged goods” (already a survivor/mentally ill/disabled), etc. No real middle ground exists when your body and self are inherently devalued by society in that way, because your integrity is already seen as being compromised to begin with. If you’re seen to be vigilant while being any of those things, it’s not taken as a sign of sensibility, it’s taken as a sign of you being a Huge Bitch What Needs To Be Taken Down A Peg Or Two.
It’s a game, and it’s rigged all to hell, and you can’t even not play, when you’re a lady.
- P: This girl put on her resume under qualifications, "Not allergic to anything or medications."
- O: ...wait, allergies are a disqualification? Shit. Does that mean I'm getting fired?
- S: Absolutely. You should have thought about this before you became allergic to things.
- P: He is the only person I have interviewed who I didn't want to just go hang myself afterward from the sheer knowledge that such stupidity exists in the world.
- B: But [the phone] was all connected properly, right?
- P: Well, it was plugged into the data connection yesterday.
- B: I know. I was trying everything to fix it yesterday.
- P: ...even things you knew were wrong?
- B: Of course.
BRICKLAYER CABBAGE PATCH
Oh poor Benedict, I like the most Bene Gesserit Caladan- curious if anyone of my followers knows where is this from :D
Beneful Thunderpatch. Beneful Thunderpatch, guys. Oh lord.